if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
