Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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