I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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