Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
