There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
