What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
