Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
there's paper in my vomit.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
