I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
