Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
