remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
