Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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