The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
