I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
