woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
