Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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