oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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