im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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