I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
