I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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