Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
