My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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