The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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