So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
