pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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