I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
