Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
