I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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