I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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