i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
