seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
