made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
