I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?