I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
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You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
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I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.