3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
