i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
