We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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