Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
