Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
