I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
