I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
