The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize