she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
