Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
