Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
