So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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