Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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