When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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