Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
