i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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