What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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