I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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