I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
