if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
