my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
