I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
