there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
