i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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