I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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