I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
