Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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