Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
