Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
