Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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