the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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