he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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