This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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